“I’ve seen better Flash games.”
An XboxHornet review by Xavier “Mercedes” Marchena.
“Hey Merc, I never knew you still had an Atari.” WDesm says. I could feel the derisive smirk creep over his fat ugly face as he stands behind me.
“This isn’t an Atari game, numbnuts.” I say. “You forced me to review this cup of feces without the girls.” I throw my controller on the coffee table and point accusingly at the game playing on the television. “This… this irredeemable pile of sloth filth straight up offends all of my higher senses and I think I may be falling into a depression.”
WDesm nods his head sagely. “So what you’re telling me is that this game is the greatest game you’ve ever played?”
A sharp pain erupts behind my eye, deep in my temple. “I think you just gave me an aneurism.” I say. “It’s definitely an aneurism. I feel my will to live fading.”
“I think aneurisms are more violent than that.” He says, scrutinizing my face. “All I see is your eye twitching. Oh, look at that you just died to that… thing.”
I will WDesm’s head to explode like a balloon but only succeed in making my headache worse. I snatch up the controller and return my attention to the crap on the TV. “To be completely honest with you, I think that’s a mummy or a zombie. A mumbie.”
“Zommy.” He adds quickly.
“On second thought, I think that’s a failed cast member from the Jersey Shore.” I say.
“That’s oddly specific.” WDesm says giving me a sideways glance.
“No really, check it.” I say. “I want to take something heavy and swat the cast members of Jersey Shore across the mouth and I ALSO want to take a heavy object and swat myself across the mouth because it would be preferable than playing this crap.”
“So you love Manic Miner?” He says.
“Like a bullet to the temple. 1/10.”
Download a free demo of the game here.